Making room for mercy

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything new. I’ve been listening. I’ve spent quiet moments watching the leaves change and dance, their bright colors twirling in the wind, and I have been quiet.

And I have been wrong. Not the kind of wrong that comes from harmful or malicious intent, but the kind of wrong that comes from stubborn belief. I have been falling once again into categories and dualism. As I wake up to suffering and oppression, I am also waking up to my own part in it, and that can be a hard pill to swallow.

There is this interesting story Jesus tells in which I see myself lately. You can find it in Matthew 18. Jesus tells of a servant who owed a great debt to the king. The servant begs the king for mercy, and the king feels pity and forgives the servant’s debt. The servant immediately goes to someone who owes them a small sum of money and demands immediate repayment. They likewise beg for mercy and patience and the servant denies it to him.

How quickly the oppressed can become the oppressor. There were certainly systemic injustices involved in both situations. The king was born into wealth and power, unlike the servant. There was inequity – there was inequality…there was a reason he was in debt – much of it was probably outside of his control.

It can be easy to identify the ways in which systems of power have caused you harm. As a woman, I have certainly tasted some of this…but what have I chosen to do with it? I continue to participate in the same systems and practices that disempower others – from those in distant countries who make my cheap clothes, to those who suffer climate change consequences of my amazon prime dependance, to the way my voice is heeded  in a different way than other voices at the table. It is so easy to want to dismantle the systems that have caused me harm, and so much harder to want to dismantle the systems that keep me in power, privilege, and comfort.

This is not about guilt, shame, or feeling bad about myself. Quite the contrary, it is about mercy. It is about me learning to accept myself where I am in my own becoming. And it is about me learning to extend the same mercy and grace to you where you are. As I have learned from a mentor I greatly admire, you can’t dismantle the master’s house with the master’s tools.

I need to learn new ways to be. I need to learn new ways to see. I need new tools.

That doesn’t mean I am not angry. It doesn’t cover over or soften injustice. It doesn’t mean I won’t fight for what I believe in. It means I am trying to find a more gracious way to walk in the hopes that others might join along. Part of leaving the ideology of scarcity – which I have learned is an epidemic proportional to privilege – is realizing that I already have what I need. That I am already blessed. It allows us to open our hands from our grasping, to release that which we have  with those around us who need it rather than clinging to it in the fear of “what if” or “just in case.” It allows us to welcome others to the abundance, rather than fighting to keep our place in it.

I believe in my heart that so many of the people I love who I also disagree vehemently with – underneath it all, we share similar values. We value life. We value justice. We value the dignity of all human beings. I truly believe that it is fear and scarcity that steer us all away from these values and into dualism and black and white thinking these days. Let’s not let fear win this time. Let’s stay open to learning from each other about the ways our words and actions affect one another.

There is room for all at the table if we stop storing up “back up” seats for ourselves. I am learning from the abundant wisdom of my friends who are women of color these days – who know what it is to struggle, who know what it is to grieve, and who also know what it is to live – to come alive right in the midst of where you are. There is some Divine truth in this – that in recognizing you already are worthy, you already have dignity – no matter what your circumstances say –  then you are freed up to invite the rest of the world to join you.

Photo by Chris Lawton on Unsplash