You can do anything for a four-count…
My triceps begin to shake and ache, and it’s everything I can do to keep from crashing on the floor. I’ve been holding a plank in my yoga class, as one of my first acts of belief in the fact that I can, in fact, grow stronger. My core was flabby from two pregnancies and c-sections, and my arms were weak from lack of use. I shook and gritted my teeth and, inside, I begged for the teacher to give me some relief.
Sometimes we’ll get a count, and I’ve learned that if my teacher starts counting down, I can hold it all the way to one…but if it’s just hanging out there in plank – no end in sight – I’m toast. I don’t last very long before I give up. One of my favorite teachers commonly says, “you can do anything for a four-count” and will start counting down from four as she sees us begin to struggle in a pose. (**disclaimer…there is also a very strong guideline of listening to your body and resting when you need too…take care of you…) You know what though? If you never allow yourself to experience the painful, shaky feeling of pushing your edge, you don’t give yourself the opportunity to grow stronger.
This weekend, I was in the midst of a lot of tension and uncertainty. I had unintentionally hurt some people I cared about by speaking my truth. I was hurting, and it felt like my arms would give out at any moment sending me crashing to the floor. Everything in me wanted to relent – to take everything back and just find a way to “fix it” and make everyone feel better. But I made myself hold on. I sat in the tension, knowing that I was holding my plank. I knew it would hurt – and it did. I knew I would waver and want to give up – and I did want to. But I leaned into my support system, gave myself a four-count and stayed true to my own heart. I gave myself the opportunity to grow stronger by living in the tension instead of trying to rid myself of the negative way the tension made me feel.
This has been faith for me the last few years. I’ve shared how some of my questions and doubts began to poke little holes in my embedded framework, and I am not going to tell the whole story during this series…but I do want to encourage you. Along the way, I have wanted nothing more than to erase the tension. I wanted to fix it – and to just go back to how things were – because the tension of uncertainty hurt too much. I was too shakey and insecure. I was afraid I’d crash to the ground.
But instead of crashing, I have finally started to see new strength emerging – in every area of my life. Friends, your pain and discomfort around doubt, grief, and loss is not something to try and fix or resolve – it is part of your formation. We don’t get to chose when these feelings and experiences show up…but if we live into them, stay present with them, and allow them their space to work, they will show us just how strong we are becoming.
Photo by Toby Marshman on Unsplash
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