Dissonance

For some reason, last night, I turned on the vice presidential debate. I knew it would bring up unpleasant feelings for me, but I wanted to at least see some if it for myself and not just read the summary later. Well, I wasn’t wrong. About a minute in to watching Pence’s face and my stomach started to churn. All of these angry thoughts (which I’ll spare you from) arose and their presence in my mind made me physically sick to my stomach. Because I work in therapy and am always curious about the “why” underneath my feelings, I sat paralyzed and churning on my bed wondering about the curiously strong energies swirling through my body. There was definitely some fear about what might happen in the next few months, as noted by the tensing of muscles and increase in heart rate – and I am sure that fear was probably felt by most (not matter what “side” you are on). But mostly what I felt was the urge to explode all of these nasty, vicious thoughts somehow. I wanted to get on facebook and write sharp, tarted arrows with which to discharge the anger and the blame and get those nasty feelings out of me and into others. So I sat with that for a moment. Would that be helpful to anyone? Would that cause any change? Would that ultimately even make me feel better – probably not, as I have certainly gone this route many times before and am familiar with the terrain. 

What arose next was somewhat of a surprise – it was heartbreak. Not just sadness, heartbreak. While it feels “acceptable” or even maybe pleasurable in some twisted way to spew anger, the more vulnerable truth was that while I was feeling anger, I was feeling anger because I was having to sit with this heartbreak. It was a heartbreak of realizing how distant I felt from people I love. It was a heartbreak at having to hold the dissonance carrying people in my mind who I love, respect and admire in innumerable ways and also whose choices, as I see day after day in the therapy room and in the world, are so harmful. And I know with every piece of my heart that these good, loving humans do not intend to cause harm. And I feel powerless, because I am holding the harm and love at the same time, in the same hands, and what I am left with is dissonance. 

I do not and will never understand how people who I truly know to be caring, compassionate, and empathetic can support an administration that openly refuses to denounce white supremacy, an administration that says that uncovering our implicit bias (which EVERY HUMAN ANIMAL HAS, by the way) and working to mitigate it’s effects is “harmful and offensive” in some way, an administration that openly objectifies and dehumanizes immigrants and refugees, and most importantly, an administration that openly rejects the well-researched, well understood implications of systemic racism on humans in this country. And I am saying all these things right not with a tone of anger, but with true and genuine confusion and sadness. There many differences between the parties and the ways in which they navigate finances as limitations of government, when in looked at in a vacuum can certainly be widely and fairly debated, but lets not pretend that these larger systemic issues are not also tied in to each and every one of these decisions. Who will benefit from these decisions on a large scale? Who stands to be harmed? 

I don’t deny that this is a difficult, and maybe an impossible election year to navigate. The options are fairly crappy. We have to do better, friends. I refuse to believe that America can not be better than this.

I have all these thoughts about Spirit and Certainty, and how much people love the safety and avoidance of dissonance of clinging to dogmatic, black and white responses and how maybe the “tree of the knowledge of good and evil” in our time is just that – certainty. So, I’m coming with an open mind. You are not going to change my mind about who to vote for and I’m sure I won’t change any of yours because as strongly as I feel my convictions are driving me, I know yours do to. I would, however, be so curious and open to know how others understand this dissonance – whatever “side” of it you are on.