There is this constant tension in my life right now – a pulling in two directions that is difficult to articulate. A current consistently pulls me towards the now, towards the present moment, towards gratitude and joy. When I allow myself to float along this gentle stream, I learn to experience peace. I love bigger. I find myself overwhelmed with wonder at creation, at human beings, and at the One who spoke it all into being. I practice yoga, and I experience the beautiful symphony of body, mind, and spirit coming together to find unity…and as I practice, I am learning to listen to all the different parts of my experience, and all the different divinely-created parts of my self.
Then there is this other flow – a river that is full of twists and turns and rapids. As I am jostled and jolted about, I am constantly reminded that there is so much I don’t know. There is a depth of suffering in the world that I have never known, and (the worst part for me) that I have unknowingly perpetrated. The suffering of children crying for the arms of their parents (through the MANY circumstances that bring them there) is unbearable. The suffering of racial oppression – both inherited trauma, outright acts of racism, and the many daily micro-aggressions that are the everyday experience for so many in our world, forcing people to expend energy, effort, and emotion, and strength just to hold on to their sense of dignity and worth – it’s unbearable. The suffering of poverty – of not knowing how one’s basic needs will be met each day – of expending energy, time, and emotion just to survive – it’s unbearable. I could go on and fill oceans with words on suffering, but I think you get my picture…
I often wonder if floating down the peaceful river makes me complicit in the drownings I see (and those I don’t see) in the rapids. Sometimes I feel guilty when I am at peace, when I experience joy, when I experience gratitude…and I would wager that I am not alone. For those of us who are waking up to our privilege, guilt can be overwhelming, distracting, and even paralyzing. Listen, dear one, please keep waking up, but don’t drown in the process. Please keep opening to a wider vision, but don’t model to the world that advocating for social justice and masochism are one in the same. Your power is limited, your influence is limited, your responsibility is limited and, friends, your capacity is limited. As a freshly budding therapist, I am going to give you some free therapy for when you start to feel your heart race with anger, your stomach church with disgust, your thoughts swirl with guilt and rage…take it or leave it (but I hope you take it). As counterintuitive as it seems sometimes, exhausting yourself and drowning in a spinning pool of anxiety does not lead us toward a more just and generous world.
- Stop for a moment and breathe. Close your eyes. Focus on your breath. Allow yourself to feel grateful that you have today, that your have life, that you have an opportunity to participate in the unfolding of the world. This is a gift. Notice what is around you – the people that relationships that fill you with purpose and hope, the love you experience around you, the ways in which your needs ARE being met. Notice the way your body is working for you and marvel at all of the intricate details involved in it’s function. Allow yourself to rest in this joy and gratitude for a little while.
- Spend some time exploring your voice, your power, and your boundaries for this situation (whatever it is that is bothering you). What can you do about this issue? Is it an issue of policy? Can you call a senator, sign a petition, or donate money? Does it require personal action that is in-line with your purpose and abilities – could provide pro-bono services, or offer to help with meals or childcare? Does it require your creativity? One of the most important things to explore in this stage, I think, it to explore your own limitations and not take on responsibility for things you don’t have any power over. This will exhaust you, and leave you feeling like a constant disappointment – not to mention, nagging and persistent anxiety. You are limited, and you alone are not responsible for the justice of the world. After you act on what is within your power, voice, and capacity, you have to let yourself off the hook for the things that are outside of it. Operating from a place of guilt, shame, or fear is vastly different from doing justice work from a place of love, generosity, compassion, gratitude and joy.
- Put down your phone and take a break from social media. You do not need to engage every comment (especially note immediately) and you do not need to be inundated with words and images of the same suffering over and over and over. You already know…spending your whole day stewing in it is not going to make it clearer or change anything – it is going to rob you of the joy of the moment you are in, and it is going to move you back into that place of guilt and powerlessness. Not to mention, it keeps your brain in a place of fear…in a state of anxiety…in a reactionary position. There are a few things to know about fear…fear makes it difficult to make good choices, fear makes it difficult to engage in meaningful dialogue, fear makes it difficult to live in the present moment, fear makes transformation damn near impossible, and it will make our work unsustainable.
- Repeat steps one through three (“five…make you fall in love with me”…sorry, couldn’t help it)
There is a purpose in this tension and we need to live into it. Please, if you are starting to feel the fatigue, drop some of the weight, friends…take some time to float…and then pick up what you can and carry on. There is so much work to do, we will never run out of work to do…and we need you. We need you whole. We need you healthy. We need you joyful and grateful. We need you at peace. We need you overflowing with love and compassion. We need you fully alive. I am not asking you to give up the fight, I am imploring you to fight well, and holistically, and sustainably.
Photo by Carl Heyerdahl on Unsplash
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