I’m not going to church today. I really want to want to go. I do. **
So much of my religious life up till now has unintentionally and unconsciously been shame-driven. Do this or you are disappointing God. Don’t do that – it will disappoint God. Showing up to church every week was definitely one in the “do this” category.
But here’s the deal… I am (trying) not to do things driven by shame anymore. I want to go to church when I’m ready to make a conscious choice about it. I want to want to go. I want my kids to know that we don’t go to church because we “have to” or because we are “bad if we don’t.” I want them to want to go to.
I want for us to find community there…for us to feel like we are part of a larger family. I want to feel like we are serving people and making life better for them. I want to feel like we are learning how to love each other in more honest and authentic ways. I want to feel like I can be myself…Like I can have differing opinions without being ostracized or kept away from the table. I want to be intellectually honest. I don’t want to worry about where the money is going or where it is coming from.
But this is where I am today. I am not ready yet. I want to be…I really want to be. But I am just not.
(I know I sound like a millennial here..But let’s start taking that for what it is. It is descriptive – it’s not a judgement. Due to the rapid change of technology, we are developing and have developed in a different world than that of our parents. This certainly brings its own set of challenges but also great opportunities…but we can talk more about that another time.)
I will expand more on this sometime after advent…About my hopes and dreams for what Church can be, about the beauty I’ve glimpsed in different expressions of Church over the years, and maybe how we can be part of something new…
But today…Today I wanted you to know, that if you are home this morning…not sure where to be on Sundays – You are not alone. You are not bad. You are not disappointing God. Keep listening to that quiet voice in your heart. Find ways to connect in genuine community with others. Find ways to give to those in need…But also know that you have permission to be right where you are today.
**(Note…this isn’t about any particular church…just to clarify…This is about the current system and structure at large)
Photo by John Price on Unsplash
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