There is no template for loss. Sure, you have the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression acceptance) – but those were never meant to be a linear map charting the course for those in grief. The stages give us a common language about which to speak our pain. They give us affirmation that our experiences, while incredibly unique, are also normal – and that we are not alone in feeling “this” way.
For those of you who struggle to answer the question, “How are you?”…I hear you and I see you. I know that there is no good or right or accurate answer to that question. I hear that if you say you are “fine” you are worried that it will be perceived as either uncaring or untrue – and if you answer with tears and pain, you may be perceived as weak or in danger…or reduced to the identity of victim.
I hear that you want desperately to talk about your loved one, but that you also don’t. That sometimes you need to share those things within the silence and safety of your home, within the sacredness of your own time and space…and that you are exhausted from taking care of yourself. I see that you love your friends and family so deeply, but that you just don’t have the energy to manage their emotions and feelings right now. It’s ok…It really is. There will come a day when we will be on the other end of a loss, and you will be there for us in a way that others can’t. Because you know. Because you see. Because you hear.
And, above all else, I see your grace and vulnerability. That each time you walk out the door you feel raw. That you don’t know what you might encounter or feel in the grocery store, or the coffee shop, or at work. I see that you are brave and beautiful in living your everyday life in the midst of what feels like excruciating vulnerability.
You keep showing up. You keep doing the next thing ahead of you. I see courage, and moxie and heart. You are warriors. I saw you fight for your loved ones with hope and presence, and I see you fighting for them still today – by continuing to show up.
If you have friends who are grief warriors this Christmas, know that no one knows what to say…There is no good thing to say…There is no template for this. Ask. Ask your friend specific questions about boundaries. Give them grace if they don’t know how to answer. Try again another time. Give them grace if they respond in anger…it’s just part of the process and not a reflection of your friendship. Your friend lost a unique person…and their loss won’t look like anyone else’s.
Your friends, the grief warriors, they will give you grace too. They know you don’t know what to say. They know you won’t respond perfectly every time. They know you love them and are doing your best. They are doing their best too.
Above all, if you have a story about the way their loved one impacted you…the way their life, no matter how short, mattered and continues to make a difference in yours…find a way to share it with them.
{If you are looking for a way to honor some of those lost this year…consider making a donation to a foundation that was close to their heart…My husband and I – we are choosing to donate here in honor of a precious baby boy}.
Photo by Pascal Müller on Unsplash
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