For a while, I considered myself an expert on community. As a groups pastor, that was the “commodity” I was responsible for. I developed groups, wrote curriculum, and spent my time and energy investing in ways to help people create intentional community. I immersed myself in the study of shame and vulnerability and in group processes and dynamics. I was given the ironic task of trying to “programatize” one of the most basic of human connections…gathering with neighbors for dinner. I, myself, was a member of the most amazing small group – we cared for each other, supported each other, walked together through tragedy and joy, shared our pain and shame, and loved each other well. I spent all of my professional energy trying to figure out the sacred formula to duplicate this in other group settings…I had found my tribe, and in the process I learned that we all need a tribe.
Tribes aren’t inherently bad. We need to find our tribe. We all need a place to be messy and raw and real and find acceptance right where we are. We need people to cheer us on and love us when we are at our very worst – when we have trouble feeling lovable.
But there is a very thin, yet distinct, line between finding your tribe and toxic tribalism. A healthy tribe is a launching pad and a safe place to land. It allows us the relational security to take great risks and grow and learn from them. The healthy tribe propels us outward – to take a leap forth from our place of security and endeavor towards great love, great service, and great sacrifice. There is authentic and intentional love within, and that love spreads in continuing ripples to all of the water it touches.
Toxic tribalism, in contrast, focuses inward. It focuses on shoring up the boundaries around who is in and who is out, and promoting the needs of the tribe over all other people. Toxic tribalism leads to clashes over territory and leaves brutal human suffering in its wake. Toxic tribalism creates ripples too…ripples of fear, blame, and shame – that lead those vulnerable in the path into hiding or worse, defensive aggression. Toxic tribalism turns away and shuns members who threaten the status-quo with their questions, challenges, and innovation.
There are times for tribes to protect. I recently heard this beautiful story about elephants, and how the females create a protective barrier around those who are wounded or in labor so that they can provide a safe space for their sister in her time of vulnerability. Protection isn’t what makes a tribe toxic – it is the intent behind it. Is your tribe protecting a vulnerable member from harm or suffering – or is it shoring up it’s own cohesive group identity so that it can further it’s own power or status within the larger community context? What is at risk here – human beings or tribal identity and power?
These are important conversations to have in 2017, where it seems all of us are building up walls around our own tribes and our claimed territory. We are so busy protecting “our own” and launching attacks against our neighboring tribes, that we aren’t able to see the suffering all around us…The ground that is crying out for healing is muffled under the sounds of our loudest voices of dissent.
It’s time for a tribal counsel, y’all. We have some huge mountains to move and so much systemic injustice to address worldwide. We need to hear each other’s pain and cry tears together. We need to hone into our tribes unique gifts and contributions and find ways to work together as a cohesive body. The time for petty inter-tribal conflict and scapegoating has passed. Find your tribe…but then figure out how your tribe can best serve the world together in it’s own unique way.
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