What I’ve learned this year…{the short list}

One of the great things about social media is the ability to go back and track your thoughts over time…and not just your thoughts but the way you interact with others. It also provides us with a way to reflect on how you have grown and changed. Here is the short {definitely not exhaustive} list of things I learned since I wrote this post.

1. There is a limit to my capacity to feel empathy. This was a hard realization for an empath…but I also learned that these limits don’t last very long. It was only a few days of grieving and processing before I was able to begin perspective taking and moving forward again.
2. I can’t talk about white privilege without talking about white poverty. This has been a tough one… I feel like it is my responsibility, as a person who has enjoyed a great deal of privilege, to point it out. However, I have learned that it is also really important to take into account the way people’s experiences have shaped their understanding. Sometimes, a larger and and more complex dialogue is necessary… one that starts with listening first, and locating a person, before engaging in sharing your story.
3. It is ok to be honest, even if it ruffles feathers. For some reason, I have this firmly embedded belief that it is my role to keep the peace, and to smooth over conflict at every turn (even if that means hiding or swallowing parts of myself in the process). While I still feel that it is incredibly important to be respectful and kind, I am also learning that I have a voice. It is ok if sometimes my voice stirs some things up for people. Not everyone is going to like it, but someone, somewhere, may need to hear it.
4. Relationships are stronger than politics. Lean in. Don’t stop having conversations. If you can’t talk about politics, then talk about people’s kids and their jobs. Talk about their house or sports or whatever it takes to maintain relationship. Of course, there are times to draw boundaries around negativity or toxic relationships, but it is possible to maintain healthy relationships with people who have starkly different values.
5. Not engaging in politics is not an option. I listened to a nineteen year old kid on a podcast this week totally school me on politics. I have always been a voter…for the big elections. This year I learned how important it was to show up for local and midterm elections. I may not be able to have a voice in what happens in the country at large, but I can pursue change and progress locally. (Y’all…if you want to be schooled by a 19 year old on paying attention to policy over personality, check this out.)
6.  It sucks to feel stereotyped. I know, right? My experience feeling this way has been so limited. The day after the election, after a night of little sleep, I met my husband at lunch with the kids. We live in an incredibly white, wealthy, republican area. I remember watching each person who walked into the restaurant, and each person of color or person that seemed like they may not be heterosexual that walked in (I know…major stereotyping of my own here….) …I wanted to stand up and tell them, “it wasn’t me! Don’t lump me in with these people,” but I didn’t. I sat there and experienced it. Feeling embarrassed and ashamed.  Feeling powerless over the way others looked at me or felt about me. This was really not a good feeling…but I think it was a really important experience for me to have. I took note of it, I leaned into it, and I won’t forget.
7. What we need right now is to learn how to listen. We need to learn how to really listen to each other…and how to really speak to each other. People in power, regardless of their group, will always tend to do what it takes to stay in power. There are a lot of interesting (but not new) social dynamics at play right now, and we need to keep showing up for each other. Let’s see who is really causing pain and suffering and who is being scapegoated. Let’s do our best to try on other perspectives and stay curious before becoming defensive.