Month: November 2017

For a while, I considered myself an expert on community. As a groups pastor, that was the “commodity” I was responsible for. I developed groups, wrote curriculum, and spent my time and energy investing in ways to help people create intentional community. I immersed myself in the study of shame and vulnerability and in group processes and dynamics. I was given the ironic task of trying to “programatize” one of the most basic of human connections…gathering with neighbors for dinner. I, myself, was a member of the most amazing small group – we cared for each other, supported each other, walked together through tragedy and joy, shared our pain and shame, and loved each other well. I spent all of my professional energy trying to figure out the sacred formula to duplicate this in other group settings…I had found my tribe, and in the process I learned that we all need a tribe.

Tribes aren’t inherently bad. We need to find our tribe. We all need a place to be messy and raw and real and find acceptance right where we are. We need people to cheer us on and love us when we are at our very worst – when we have trouble feeling lovable.

But there is a very thin, yet distinct, line between finding your tribe and toxic tribalism. A healthy tribe is a launching pad and a safe place to land. It allows us the relational security to take great risks and grow and learn from them. The healthy tribe propels us outward – to take a leap forth from our place of security and endeavor towards great love, great service, and great sacrifice. There is authentic and intentional love within, and that love spreads in continuing ripples to all of the water it touches.

Toxic tribalism, in contrast, focuses inward. It focuses on shoring up the boundaries around who is in and who is out, and promoting the needs of the tribe over all other people. Toxic tribalism leads to clashes over territory and leaves brutal human suffering in its wake. Toxic tribalism creates ripples too…ripples of fear, blame, and shame – that lead those vulnerable in the path into hiding or worse, defensive aggression. Toxic tribalism turns away and shuns members who threaten the status-quo with their questions, challenges, and innovation.

There are times for tribes to protect. I recently heard this beautiful story about elephants, and how the females create a protective barrier around those who are wounded or in labor so that they can provide a safe space for their sister in her time of vulnerability. Protection isn’t what makes a tribe toxic – it is the intent behind it. Is your tribe protecting a vulnerable member from harm or suffering – or is it shoring up it’s own cohesive group identity so that it can further it’s own power or status within the larger community context? What is at risk here – human beings or tribal identity and power?

These are important conversations to have in 2017, where it seems all of us are building up walls around our own tribes and our claimed territory. We are so busy protecting “our own” and launching attacks against our neighboring tribes, that we aren’t able to see the suffering all around us…The ground that is crying out for healing is muffled under the sounds of our loudest voices of dissent.

It’s time for a tribal counsel, y’all. We have some huge mountains to move and so much systemic injustice to address worldwide. We need to hear each other’s  pain and cry tears together. We need to hone into our tribes unique gifts and contributions and find ways to work together as a cohesive body. The time for petty inter-tribal conflict and scapegoating has passed. Find your tribe…but then figure out how your tribe can best serve the world together in it’s own unique way.

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As we approach the season of Advent, I am struck with the heaviness that many of my friends will experience this year…empty chairs at the holiday table, empty cribs in the nursery, so many dreams that have yet to come to fruition. It is a season of hope and expectant waiting, but I know that for some it can feel isolating and can cause grief to deepen. This year, I’ll be writing a brief, encouraging thought each day throughout advent (Dec. 1 – Dec. 25) for all those who see themselves as spiritual refugees, exiles, or wanderers this season – or those whose grief makes the joyous feelings of Christmas difficult to access. My hope is to bring you, if but for a moment, into the presence of Divine Hope. Subscribe via the pop-up window on the home page or with the form below to receive these daily encouragements via email.

 

One of the great things about social media is the ability to go back and track your thoughts over time…and not just your thoughts but the way you interact with others. It also provides us with a way to reflect on how you have grown and changed. Here is the short {definitely not exhaustive} list of things I learned since I wrote this post.

1. There is a limit to my capacity to feel empathy. This was a hard realization for an empath…but I also learned that these limits don’t last very long. It was only a few days of grieving and processing before I was able to begin perspective taking and moving forward again.
2. I can’t talk about white privilege without talking about white poverty. This has been a tough one… I feel like it is my responsibility, as a person who has enjoyed a great deal of privilege, to point it out. However, I have learned that it is also really important to take into account the way people’s experiences have shaped their understanding. Sometimes, a larger and and more complex dialogue is necessary… one that starts with listening first, and locating a person, before engaging in sharing your story.
3. It is ok to be honest, even if it ruffles feathers. For some reason, I have this firmly embedded belief that it is my role to keep the peace, and to smooth over conflict at every turn (even if that means hiding or swallowing parts of myself in the process). While I still feel that it is incredibly important to be respectful and kind, I am also learning that I have a voice. It is ok if sometimes my voice stirs some things up for people. Not everyone is going to like it, but someone, somewhere, may need to hear it.
4. Relationships are stronger than politics. Lean in. Don’t stop having conversations. If you can’t talk about politics, then talk about people’s kids and their jobs. Talk about their house or sports or whatever it takes to maintain relationship. Of course, there are times to draw boundaries around negativity or toxic relationships, but it is possible to maintain healthy relationships with people who have starkly different values.
5. Not engaging in politics is not an option. I listened to a nineteen year old kid on a podcast this week totally school me on politics. I have always been a voter…for the big elections. This year I learned how important it was to show up for local and midterm elections. I may not be able to have a voice in what happens in the country at large, but I can pursue change and progress locally. (Y’all…if you want to be schooled by a 19 year old on paying attention to policy over personality, check this out.)
6.  It sucks to feel stereotyped. I know, right? My experience feeling this way has been so limited. The day after the election, after a night of little sleep, I met my husband at lunch with the kids. We live in an incredibly white, wealthy, republican area. I remember watching each person who walked into the restaurant, and each person of color or person that seemed like they may not be heterosexual that walked in (I know…major stereotyping of my own here….) …I wanted to stand up and tell them, “it wasn’t me! Don’t lump me in with these people,” but I didn’t. I sat there and experienced it. Feeling embarrassed and ashamed.  Feeling powerless over the way others looked at me or felt about me. This was really not a good feeling…but I think it was a really important experience for me to have. I took note of it, I leaned into it, and I won’t forget.
7. What we need right now is to learn how to listen. We need to learn how to really listen to each other…and how to really speak to each other. People in power, regardless of their group, will always tend to do what it takes to stay in power. There are a lot of interesting (but not new) social dynamics at play right now, and we need to keep showing up for each other. Let’s see who is really causing pain and suffering and who is being scapegoated. Let’s do our best to try on other perspectives and stay curious before becoming defensive.

A quick google search will give you endless answers to the question of the millennial exodus from American churches… The data certainly seems to paint a pattern of slow decay that, unless it’s altered, doesn’t look good for the institution. There is a lot of thoughtful commentary as to why this is happening. I think there is a lot of truth to what I have read in most of these articles, as well as some helpful pragmatic approaches toward solutions – the value of excellence, millennials feeling heard, churches focusing on serving the poor, and other data supported assertions.

I think we might be missing something, though.

I have spent a pretty significant time in church [with the exception of the past few months I have attended regularly throughout my life, and served as full time staff for almost ten years]. Yet, even with all of my investment into the life of the church community, and the centrality of church to my identity formation, we had to take a leave. Some of that had to do with the fact we were simply burned out…we exerted too much with little to no attention to self-care and sustainability. Part of it, however, is deeper than that.

Those that know me in person understand that I have gone through a great deal of theological shifting in the past fifteen years. While there is much to appreciate about the framework in which I was raised, I have also wrestled with a great deal of questions and tensions that have left me feeling confused and isolated. At twenty-one, I changed my major to theology and dove headlong into the pursuit of full-time ministry. What I didn’t realize, however, was that studying theology in an academic setting (a quality one, at least) typically leaves you with more questions than answers. This is intentional…and what I am just now learning in my early thirties…this is NORMAL. Differentiation: It is part of natural human growth and development where we question the assumptions about the world that we easily made in our youth. We slowly take items out of our backpack and examine them to decide which assumptions still ring true and which assumptions do not hold up to to what our life experience, education, and wisdom gained through relationships has taught us. Some ideas will be examined for a great deal of time and then placed back inside to continue along the road with us. Some we will want to distance ourselves from…maybe even aggressively. Sometimes the items in our backpack will cause us to feel shame…shame over the way we treated someone based upon our embedded assumptions, shame over the ways that we acted and thought of ourselves…so much shame. Some things we will launch like a rock into a stream and hope no one ever knew it was in our backpack to begin with….and some of these things we will have to put down for a while and build up our strength before we are ready to pick them back up again. I say it again…this is normal.

While I do remember several conversations with my parents about making my faith my own as I became an adult, this growth period of differentiation was not something my faith community seemed to normalize. Don’t get me wrong – my faith community was full of beautiful, kind, generous, loving human beings. Many of them are still very dear to my heart and I am grateful for them.

That is what makes this so sad. I never set out to leave my community. It is not something I wanted or was looking for. I set out to seek after Jesus…after Truth…after Love. My faith community preached a theology of transformation – one that said once you start to walk in this way, you will continually be changed and renewed as you become more like this Jesus we follow.

But evangelical faith community, hear this with love (and I am even saying this to myself today). Sometimes when people undergo spiritual transformation, they don’t come out looking just like you… Sometimes spiritual transformation includes major change in one’s view of social issues. Sometimes it includes major changes to one’s values. Sometimes it includes major changes in life direction or in the manner in which one relates to God. Honestly, I am not real sure how true spiritual transformation can NOT include these things. Isn’t the point to become more like Christ…and not more like each other? And you know what… many people who have grown up in the evangelical community, who have truly sought truth…they are being transformed. Their minds are being renewed. They are becoming more loving people. They are becoming more like Christ. And then they are being shown the door. (Here is an example…)

Maybe it’s not overt, maybe it is… I can’t speak for everyone, but as a person who has spent most of her life in the evangelical “camp” – it wasn’t my behavior or my choices that led me out. I am not “falling off the rails” or “tripping down a slippery slope.” I am slowly and intentionally changing to become more true to the Image in which I was created. There is no cell in my body that does not believe or experience this transformation on a daily basis. This system {no, not my family nor my specific childhood church…but the evangelical culture at large} has made faith so certain, has erased any shroud of mystery and wonder and dialogue, and has boiled everything down to a list of assertions…a statement of faith. Do you cognitively align with these assertions? Great, you’re in. No? Sorry, you can come here but you can’t serve in leadership or have any influence over the life of our community. Not blaming anyone here…I think this is a very human tendency. Our brains crave certainty.

That may not be the message the church is trying to communicate, but that is how I am hearing it. And I know I am not alone here. I am meeting new people, seemingly every day, that call themselves “recovering evangelicals….” or some similar phrase. We are those who grew up in the church, who invested fully, who changed, and now no longer feel welcome.

Here’s the thing. I still love you. I think some of the ways you approach faith might be psychologically damaging (here is an example) and need to be carefully addressed. I think that some of themes might be there more to maintain control and uphold systems of power than to promote experience with and understanding of the Divine – this happens in most (if not all) longstanding institution… But I still love you. I still respect you. I still want to walk with you… I know there are plenty of areas in which I might be wrong and you might be right…

Want to know why I think some millennials that grew up invested in the church are leaving? Because they feel they can’t be intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually honest and remain within their community. It’s not because their heart for the world, the way they love God, or the way they love people is misaligned with their community, it’s because the church is not organized around those things…the church is organized around lists…

What if, instead of organizing around a common set of theological and cognitive assertions, the church could be organized around an intended direction. Messy? Sure…But what if all of our voices were still welcome at the table? There would be a lot of room for dialogue, and you would have to be incredibly creative and patient and loving within the structure of the organization as a business…but isn’t this the point?

Isn’t the point for us to all become more like Christ? Doesn’t it make sense that we all might have different understandings of what that might mean based on all of our unique experiences with the Divine in the world?

People shouldn’t have to chose between honesty and authenticity or their place within their faith community.  Shouldn’t that be the place to be honest and authentic?

I have a lot of work to do here. I have a lot of growth left ahead. I have said plenty of hurtful and damaging things over the years, and am still trying to learn what it means to both be honest to people who have been so meaningful in my life, yet true to where my heart is now. I know I still have a lot of blind spots. Please hear that my intent in this is continuing conversation – It is hope…that maybe we can still find a way to walk this road together. I have a vision that we could stop shoring up the boundaries around our camps and instead find ways to expand them, because we need each other, and because there is so much to be done.

Photo by Emma Frances Logan on Unsplash