Dear Mom and Dad…

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know it can be hard to read about your child experiencing pain – especially when they were under your direct care and supervision. I know this because I have my own children now – and I know how deeply I hurt when I see them suffer, and how it is my instinct not only to prevent them from suffering, but to blame myself for my inability to prevent it when suffering inevitably comes.

But, as you know, preventing our children from ever suffering is not our role as parents. Avoiding harm when we can? Sure. But it is not realistic or healthy for us to take on the responsibility of making sure our children don’t feel pain. What is our responsibility is teaching our kids how to suffer well. We allow our kids to see us suffer, in developmentally appropriate ways. We allow them to see how we handle hard feelings, and how we reconcile, and how we take what we’ve experienced and learn from it, and how we turn our pain into something beautiful and meaningful in the world.

The mark of good parenting is not an adult who never suffered as a child…it’s an adult child who knows how to suffer in a healthy way. In a way that not only benefits the adult child and the family but those who interact with them. A child who knows how to tap into support networks and community, and live into and process their suffering rather than hiding from it.

As an adult child, I will learn from your parenting. There will be things that I want to do differently. This is not because I believe that what you did was wrong…it’s because as much as I am like you, I am not you. As much as my children are like me, they are not me. We have to parent in a way that is cohesive with our own personality, values and convictions. My choices to do things differently affirm the most important thing you did right in your parenting – the most important thing that any parents can do right…

You made sure that we always knew you loved us – no matter what. That we could always come home – no matter what. You taught us that in explicit words – in conversations affirming that if we are ever in this or that situation, we could call you and you would come and pick us up. You taught us that in your actions – in giving us space to let us differentiate and grow into ourselves even when it was painful for you.

There are things that I will critique about my childhood experiences, because I am processing how the narratives I grew up with are and are not cohesive with my experiences and beliefs that I have developed. This is a normal and natural part of becoming an adult, and not a critique of you as parents (even though I may not be able to prevent it from feeling that way)…And I have the freedom and autonomy to do this while maintaining a close relationship with you exactly because you did parenting right. It’s because I feel secure that you will love me no matter what that I am free to explore and become and believe.

You did so well and I love you. I hope that my children will feel as unconditionally loved by me as I feel loved by you.

Photo by Michal Bar Haim on Unsplash